(This story was first written in 2020. It was originally published in Lamar University Pulse.)
At least black is slimming.
That’s the thought that ran through Riley’s head as she stared at her reflection in the mirror.
I’m too young to be getting dressed for the funeral of a friend.
At 21 years old it felt odd that she was going to be attending a funeral of someone her own age. She had to ask the others what the difference between a funeral and a visitation was in the group chat the previous morning.
Riley: “Which one are you supposed to wear black too?”
Zoe: “Yeah, I’m confused too…do we wear black to the visitation AND the funeral?”
Jacob: “I’m pretty sure you only wear black to the funeral, the visitation you just have to wear nice clothes. But no bright colors like yellow or white. That’s what Google said.”
Emma: “Jacob’s right. That’s what we did for my grandmother’s.”
Riley gave herself one last look in the mirror and checked the message she just received. Jacob was telling her that he was on his way and asked for her address. After sending it to him, she recalled when she first found out about Thomas’ death earlier this week.
It was a normal Monday afternoon. The semester had just ended so she had all the free time in the world to do nothing. She was spending her day parked on her couch in front of the television. Her phone dinged and when she looked down to see who it was from, she saw a name that she hadn’t seen in years.
Emma: Hey did you guys hear about Thomas Shepherd?
Thomas Shepherd, another name she hadn’t heard in years, not since high school. Once they graduated all 5 of them had slowly drifted apart as most friends do. Emma and Zoe had both went off to different colleges on volleyball scholarships. Riley and Jacob both enrolled in the local university, but never really saw each other anymore. Thomas stayed and the last Riley had heard of him, he was attending a local community college in town.
Riley: What about him?
Emma: He died… he killed himself.
The group chat was silent for a few minutes until another message came through.
Zoe: Where did you hear that?
Emma: My sister is friends with his brother. She just told me.
Jacob: Wait, this can’t be true, I know he was always a little sad, but this can’t actually be true.
It was true though. The old friends decided to attend the visitation together. While there, they spoke to his mom, the genuinely nicest person they had ever met. When she first saw them, her face showed how touched she was that they were there. Her voice broke with emotion while she thanked them for coming. It was like she hadn’t expected any of them to show up. To be fair, they all hadn’t seen or talked to each other in 3 years, so her surprise wasn’t all that surprising.
After they spoke to Mrs. Shepherd, they moved on to Thomas’ casket. It was open, which Riley had always found chilling. She always waited for them to open their eyes and sit up laughing like they just pulled the biggest prank ever.
But that never does happen. When she dies, she hopes it’s a closed casket.
Riley, Jacob, and Emma all went up to his casket. Zoe couldn’t go up to the casket, she had to walk away and sit down at a pew. When Riley looked back, she saw that Zoe’s eyes were already red.
That always happened right before she cried.
When she turned her head to look at Emma and Jacob, both of them had their eyes closed and heads were bowed. It’s been a long time since Riley prayed, but she figured she should now. She can’t even remember what she said. All she can remember is looking down at her hands and seeing them shake. Jacob, who was always the comforting one of the group, must have seen because he grabbed one of Riley’s hand and then reached for Emma’s.
The 4 of them stayed for a while, sitting in the pew looking at the slideshow pictures of Thomas and reminiscing. Thomas had grown a beard since graduation, and they talked about his struggle to grow hair on his chin back then. He was so frustrated by his lack of facial hair, it was nice to see he was able to achieve that. Emma said that she thinks Thomas had a crush on Riley at one time, which Riley quickly denied. But she couldn’t help thinking about what could have been if he had confessed to her.
Would I have really dated him? Maybe… I could have prevented this…Well I guess it doesn’t really matter now.
Sometimes they would even laugh quietly when talking about a funny moment, which felt wrong. Riley thought of what it must have looked like to his grieving family. Did they think that was insensitive of them? They were probably too busy with their own thoughts to even notice.
Jacob’s honking brought Riley back to the present. She said goodbye to her mom and threw in “I love you.” When she walked outside, her dad was next door talking to a neighbor, she waved by and yelled, “I’m leaving now!” His response was a wave and a nod. She wondered if her neighbor could tell that she was on her way to a funeral with the way she was dressed.
I’m too young to be attending the funeral of a friend.
She stepped into the passenger seat of Jacob’s car. They smiled at each, and Jacob reached over to give her a small hug. Jacob is still the comforting one.
After picking up Emma and Zoe, they drove to the funeral home. It was a surreal car ride. In some ways the thought of exactly where they were going was hanging over their heads but in other ways it still didn’t feel real. When they arrived, they parked behind another car on the street and waited for the precession to start. They spent their time waiting by talking about what Thomas’ family must be feeling right now. They even started to reminisce about the past again. Soon laughter filled the car and the reason they were all together again was almost forgotten. At one point Riley took her sunglasses off in a joking way. Emma, while laughing, commented that she used to do that all the time. A thought crossed Riley’s mind. Even though she thought that she had changed a lot since high school, maybe she hadn’t really changed that much at all.
It’s funny how you fall back into old habits when surrounded by people from the past.
They noticed that cars were starting to move, and they patiently waited for the car in front of them to move. But it never did. They watched as the parking lot emptied and realized in horror that the precession was driving away, and the car parked in front of them wasn’t a part of it. There wasn’t even anybody in the car.
Jacob quickly started driving and raced to catch up to the precession. When they finally did laughter was filling the car again. Riley commented on whether it was appropriate for them to be laughing while on their way to Thomas’ funeral. Emma said that it was what Thomas would’ve have wanted them to do. He’d be laughing along with them.
At the cemetery, the 4 former friends stood at the back. The sun was ironically especially bright that day and it was beating down on the back of Riley’s neck. During the service she started to feel sweat form, matting her hair to her neck and making her feel sticky, but she didn’t even notice. She was too focused on Thomas’ family.
She didn’t think she would cry. Afterall she hadn’t even seen or spoken to Thomas in over 3 years. It was the image of his mother putting a comforting hand on his father’s shoulder that did her in. Tears started to well, but she kept them from falling. She didn’t feel like she even had a right to cry. Her grief couldn’t compare to that of his family’s. It was when his sister-in-law broke down in sobs that Riley felt that first tear fall, after that she couldn’t stop them. She saw Emma wipe a hand over her face and heard her sniffle. Riley glanced over and saw that Jacob and Zoe were crying as well.
After the service was over, the 4 of them stuck around, they felt like they should say something to his mom. She walked over to them and gave each a hug. The usual things were said. “The service was beautiful. If there’s anything we can help with let us know.” But none of them knew what to say to comfort her. Is there anything to really say to comfort a grieving mother? Before she walked away, Thomas’ mom said one last thing to the 4 old friends. “Don’t lose contact with each other again. Stay together.”
They all nodded their heads and went back to Jacob’s car. The ride was quiet. Each one was lost in their own thoughts. The silence was broken by Riley’s question. “Do y’all want to go get drinks? We’re all 21 now, we can actually buy them ourselves.” Everyone smiled at the memory that statement brought up and agreed. The 4 friends spent the rest of the night drinking and talking about the past.
It was ironic to think about how the loss of a friend is what brought them back together. But it wouldn’t ever truly be the same as it was.
It never will be again.
If you or someone you know is struggling, the Suicide Prevention Hotline is always available to chat at: 1-800-273-8255
Gabby Gaspard 